Dude, you're old

It's my brother Mike's birthday, today. He's 22, which is just unfathomable to me. I know I'M getting older, so it's stands to reason that HE'S getting older... but I was only 22, like, five minutes ago, yet there's this 12 year gap between us, so it must be more like... well, like 12 years ago.

Anyway, he's in the US, and I'm in Australia, and for reasons which decorum prohibits going into here, I can't ring him. So I'll Blog my birthday wish to him, along with the beginnings of what promises to be a hilarious comic strip, if I can ever think of an ending.

What? -- I said it was the beginning of a hilarious comic strip, didn't I? Do you know how long this takes? Hopefully I'll have it finished by the time he's 23.

Happy birthday, bro...!

Land of the Dead

George Romero has started work on the fourth film in his Zombie series, called Land of the Dead. Shooting commenced in Canada (in itself, an interesting point), last month.

Originally, it was going to be called Dead Reckoning, which sounded silly to me, because where's the corelation to Night, Dawn and Day? (Not that Land has that corelation, but at least it has "of the Dead", which somehow makes it fit better. At least in my mind.) Anyway, last night I'm on the IMDB and found a link to the script. Not the original Dead Reckoning script, we're talking the brand-spanking new August 24, 2004 draft of Land. So I downloaded it, and although I've only read 9 pages, but if it keeps going the way it's going, I don't see Romero being allowed back into Amerikkka anytime too soon. Check this shit out:

• Pg2: In describing the Zombie-ridden city of Uniontown (!), Romero says "PEOPLE, seen in SILHOUETTE, stroll past quaint shops whose signs promise RELIABLE APPLIANCES, WELL-MADE CLOTHES, SOLID VALUES." Sounds like America in the 50s, doesn't it?
• Pg8: In order to get around, our few surviving humans shoot fireworks into the sky to mesmerize the zombies, making it easier/safer to rush out and kill them. "DEAD THINGS stand completely frozen in the middle of the street, like statues, mesmerized by the FIREWORKS." Zombies. Fireworks. Jesus Christ, George!! It's one thing to draw a parallel between Zombies and consumerism, as in Dawn, but to PARALYZE your ZOMBIES with PATRIOTISM...

When it was still called Dead Reckoning, Romero said that the people in the story would be used to the Zombies, treating them kind of like the homeless are treated these days; because they're dead and rotting, they're not as great a threat, and people can literally step over them in the streets. Apparently, this has changed. Like I said, I'm only 9 pages in, but Nikki read the script while I was sleeping, and she assures me that the Zombies come off less as homeless persons than migrant workers. Illegal migrant workers, at that. (Can you say "Go Back Where You Came From, We Don't Want Your Kind Here"?)

And then there's the title. Land of the Dead. As opposed, I'm guessing, to Land of the Free.

I don't know how he's going to get away with this, since speaking out against the government has become illegal in the last few years. Not that I think The Leader and his mob are going to take notice of a little horror movie -- they've got countries to take over and people to defraud and kill, don'tcha know? -- but it's going to be interesting, just the same, to see how this one's received. Will people even care about a Zombie movie with a socio-political message, like those from so long ago? (The last one, of course, delivered by Romero himself.) Or will they just want some mindless action movie disguised as a Zombie flick, like the recent DotD and Chainsaw remakes?

I, for one, can't fucking wait...

"Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

Last week I received a booklet from the Department of Immigration (for those who don't know, I'm applying for Australian residency), welcoming me to Victoria. There was no official letter from the Department, just this book with information on how to register for a tax file number, how to register with Medicare, open a bank account, etc. All of which I'd already done. Had, in fact, included most of this information in our initial application.

That should have been our first clue.

Today I get this letter from our lawyer, stating that the Department has requested further documentation to establish the fact that we "reside in a genuine and continuing spouse relationship".

In addition to all the Medicare and tax info, we'd also supplied them with the following: bank records from Dec 2003 onwards; invitation to birthday party 29 Dec 2003, including "Steve and Nikki"; invitation to engagement party 23 Feb 2003, to "Steve and Nikki"; Thanksgiving card dated 11 Sept 2003, to "Steve and Nikki"; Christmas card to family, including Nikki and Steve, Christmas 2003; and copies of notes addressed to Nikki and Steve 2003 and 2004 regarding anniversary. What in the hell else can we possibly produce to show that we're living together? Here are a few of the things that the Department suggests:

• Rental agreements and receipts-- we have none.
• Mortgage documents-- ditto.
• Purchase documents of items acquired together (e.g., car, furniture, electrical equipment)-- none.
• All joint and separate bank or credit card statements-- already have done.
• Taxation returns-- already have done.
• Utility accounts-- we have none.
• Birth certificates of any children born in the relationship-- again, none.
• Marriage certificate from Registry of Birth, Deaths and Marriages-- we've submitted at least two of these so far.

Ignoring the fact that we've already given them three of the things they're asking for, what do we have to do, apart from getting pregnant, to prove we're in a relationship?

Look, I completely understand the screening process, and I don't mind showing proof of our relationship. But again and again and again? It'd be funny if it weren't so ridiculous. Or if it were happening to someone else. Jesus, where's Harry Tuttle when you need him?

Open Letter to Adam Sandler

Dear Adam:

That shit with the Foxy Grandma? Cut it out. You know what I'm talking about.

It's not just you, I know -- I'm addressing all filmmakers who employ the Foxy Grandma device (David E. Kelley has apparently resurrected Betty White for the sole purpose of being his own personal Foxy Grandma), but I'm singling you out because you're the worst offender, by far -- I'm speaking, of course, about the Rappin' Grandma in The Wedding Singer.

Seriously, dude: Not Funny. Not even a little bit.

And I'll tell you why.

Because Ruth Gordon died in 1985, and the role died with her. She was a beautiful woman whose spirit shone through in every part she played -- whether in My Bodyguard, Every Which Way But Loose, Kojak or The Love Boat -- and it's wrong of you to perpetuate this sad, pathetic stereotype in the interest of a cheap laugh.

I'm going to stop now, before I go all Harold and Maude on you. Stop mocking Ruth Gordon's memory, and leave the Foxy Grandma thing alone.

Thank you.

Fulcirama

Nikki's sister, Kelli, leaves for Denmark today, and the family has gone to Melbourne to see her off. I have opted to stay home with Fulci, largely because he's a great big infantile sook. Though he puts on a pretty good show of being a tough guy, when we're at the park or out for a walk -- hell, if another dog so much as walks past the house on the other side of the street, he's up and barking as though we were under attack -- but we can't go to the store for five minutes without him crying by the door for our return. I can't imagine how depressed he'd be if we left him alone for the seven hours a trip to Melbourne and back would take.

So I'm here, trying to reassure him that, just as they have tens of thousands of times before, everyone will eventually return. But I know he doesn't believe me. He just gives me this patronizing look that says, "Hey, thanks for trying; I appreciate the effort, but let's not kid each other, huh?" And I just don't know how to respond to that.

"We live inside a dream..."

Received today my Korean import Fire Walk With Me 2-disc set.

It doesn't have much in the way of special features -- theatrical trailer and a 30min documentary "Reflections on the Phenomenon of Twin Peaks", which is nothing more than interviews with the cast and crew from 2000 (from the same interviews as the first season box set, from the look of things), but was still great to watch.

The 2nd disc includes the excellent documentary "Pretty as a Picture", about the works of David Lynch. (No deleted scenes yet, but it's still more than the American release had.) I wish Artisan, or whoever, would get into gear and release the 2nd season. I feel a 15 year anniversary marathon coming on...!

Apologies to Mr. Romero

I'm going to take my aspirations to one day write a Zombie flick and pack them away for a while, until the brilliance of Shaun of the Dead dims a bit, and I'm able to come at it properly, without thinking, "Why bother? I'll never be that good."

When I'd originally heard about the movie on AllThingsZombie.com, I thought it was just some cheapie fan-fick, shot on video, that had attained some measure of fame through the festival circuit, like Clerks. The more I heard about it, the bigger the buzz, I learned that I couldn't have been farther from the mark. This wasn't just a bunch of guys who got their friends together to shoot a horror flick over a weekend; the writer and director, Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright, have achieved a great level of fame in the UK with their tv show Spaced, and after learning more about that, and finally seeing Shaun, I want them to be my best friend. In fact, I would settle for them not being my friend, simply to follow them around, sycophantic, like that little dog in the Warner Brothers cartoons.

After discussing it at length with Nikki, I've come to the conclusion that Shaun of the Dead is simply the best Zombie movie I've ever seen. I know that's a bold statement, but I've given it some grave thought -- pardon -- and even though Shaun is essentially a comedy, it still manages to beat the shit, Zombie-wise, out of any other Zombie movie I can think of because, beyond all the Zombies and the comedy, Shaun had a point, a message, almost. And this is where it's better than the rest of what's out there today. It didn't just take a disparate few and throw a bunch of Zombies at them. (Actual Zombies, mind you -- classic, shambling, slow-moving Zombies.) It went where Romero's flicks went, using the Zombies as metaphor, and actually (shock!) telling a story.

And Pegg and Wright clearly acknowledg their debt. Shaun makes reference to many classic horror flicks, including several nods to Romero's trilogy, as well as the Evil Dead series (and 28 Days Later is openly slammed during the film's final sequence, which warmed my heart quite a bit).

It's smart, it's funny, it's romantic, it's terrifying. Shaun of the Dead is perfect. Puts Romero in quite a bind, doesn't it, now that he's making Land of the Dead? I don't think even he can top this one.

Are you sure he's not Hitler?

I wanted to post this last week, but I didn't get around to it. It is perhaps the most frightening thing I've ever read, and a clear indicator of the direction America is headed.

In a recent episode of The Practice, the writers (likely David E. Kelley, himself) had Eleanor say in her closing arguement in a similar case, "I thought all of America was a free-speech zone."

Apparently, not so much.

America, you make me sad

I am, as ever, stunned at the short-term memory of the American people. Just four short years ago, this guy was forced down your throats by a Supreme Court who decided that maybe your actual votes didn't count as much as two and a quarter centuries of democracy would have had you believe, and now you're begging for more? That's insane. Don't you see what he's done to you these past four years? Christ, it's like you're in an abusive relationship -- "Oh, he's really not that bad, you just don't see all the good he's done." Only in this case, the truth is, you do deserve it. You were lame enough to let him get away with it the first time, and now there's no stopping him. Go you.

But you know what's most infuriating about this? It's the fact that he won by such a slim margin. I'm shocked and appalled that only half of you voted against him. Hell, that's the same percentage that voted against him in the 2000 election -- and he hadn't even properly displayed his disdain for the American people at that time. Since then, he's sanctioned God-knows how many attrocities against the environment, sat idly by while America came under attack, outright lied to you about the perpetrators of that attack, gone to war against the will of 70% of the American people, and made untold millions of dollars for his dad and select pals. And this did nothing to sway you? Still only half of you -- well, less than half of you -- don't want him in office?

America, you make me sad. If, as GWB feels, atheists are not true Americans, then I stand firmly behind my stance that There Is No God. Isn't this election proof enough?

"Democracy simply does not work."

Election results are coming in and it looks like Bush is ahead -- as far as the popular vote goes, anyway -- by about two million votes. Is that possible? Two million? I wouldn't have thought two million people total would have voted for that smirking asshole, yet he's currently in the lead by that much.

Of course, it's not the popular vote that counts (or any vote, for that matter, if you consider the 2000 election), but the Electoral vote -- and he's ahead in that, too, by something like 58 points! It doesn't look like Kerry can recover.

Cripes, another four years. On the bright side, he can't have a third term -- barring any new amendments, that is. But we probably won't be around to see the end of his second term, anyway, judging from the way he fucked things up during the first one.

3 minutes that stop the nation

Melbourne Cup Day today, which means the whole of Australia is closed. It's just a horse race, for Christ's sweet sake, why are the schools closed?

Aaaanyway.

Watched Jeepers Creepers 2 last night, which wasn't as bad a move as you might think. The first one was somewhat a surprise (at least the first 30-40mins, which were just relentless), so my expectations for this one were higher than perhaps they should have been. It was better than the second half of the first one, I'll give it that, but the Creeper wasn't as effective. There's a difference between giving your monster a personality and turning him into Freddy Krueger, and this film went the Elm Street route. It just didn't work. What was nice was seeing a busload of asshole jock-head football players get rent assunder.

The Big Bonus, of course, was the inclusion of Ray Wise as a farmer whose young son was killed by the Creeper. Hell-bent on revenge and single-minded in his determination, Wise wore his "Bob" face through most of the picture. The ending left no room for a sequel, thank the gods, unless it's to be set 23 years in the future. Honestly, I'd dig a prequel. Set it in1977, say, or 1954. The Creeper's been doing his thing for hundreds of years, apparently, so you could almost set it in Colonial times. That I'd pay to see. As long as it's not made by Victor Salva. His Shirtless Boy motif got pretty annoying last night, and distracted me from much of the film. Normally, we'd have found the football team's serial shirtlessness quite funny. But when you factor in Salva's child molestation conviction, it's just... well, creepy.