False Idols

Never got into the whole "reality tv" thing. Even as far back as MTV's The Real World, I just couldn't buy it, you know? I mean, it's just not reality, is it? It's certainly not everyday you see seven strangers picked to live in a house and have their lives taped to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL! Not by far. It's like quantum physics -- you change the outcome just by observing it, so the best thing to do is not observe it. That's my philosophy, anyway, and I'm sticking to it.

I do watch Australian Idol, though. I watch it because Nikki watches it, and she is my beloved.

But it annoys the hell out of me.

Here's what kills me about this show, though. Of all the tens of thousands of people who auditioned for the show, thirty were singled out by the judges, and that number was whittled down to twelve by the Australian public. Just like every year, that's just the way it works. But there's this kid, Joel Turner, who auditioned as a beat-boxer.Let me explain: At last count, five of the idol rejects from last year had record deals: Shannon Noll, Cosima DeVito, Rob "I Rooted Paris Hilton" Mills, Paulini Curuenavuli and Courtney Act. If you include the actual winner, the appallingly bland Guy Sebastian -- who's well on his way to looking like one of those awful Troll dolls, it just occurred to me -- that's half of the Top Twelve. What the hell's the point of voting these people off the show, I ask you, if they're just going to go ahead and put records out anyway? That should be one of the stipulations: You lose, you're banned forever from putting an album out. Or singing karaoke. Even singing in the shower, forget it. (It'd be nice if future series took a page from The Running Man to ensure that the losers are never heard from again.)

There are a lot of jerks who auditioned who simply couldn't sing, and they knew it, so they came in and did something else, like yodel, or rap, or juggle -- anything to get on tv, right? But Turner wasn't among their number. He was dead serious about this beat-boxing thing.

Idol judge Mark Holden was fascinated by this kid, and signed him and his band to a record deal.

Let's not concern ourselves that beat-boxing hasn't been popular since the mid-80s or so. Or that Holden, who called Turner a unique and original talent, apparently missed the beat-boxing boat the first time around. (His reaction is akin to laying the same praise on a Pink Floyd tribute band -- and equally as baffling.) Or that it's just plain embarrassing to watch. Let's just skim over all that and think about the Top Twelve. These kids have to stick it out, week after week, being rejected one by one until the end. And here's Turner, who wasn't even picked from the first round of auditions, and he's just handed a deal!

The hell?

I don't even pretend to understand the point of the show anymore.