"Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

Last week I received a booklet from the Department of Immigration (for those who don't know, I'm applying for Australian residency), welcoming me to Victoria. There was no official letter from the Department, just this book with information on how to register for a tax file number, how to register with Medicare, open a bank account, etc. All of which I'd already done. Had, in fact, included most of this information in our initial application.

That should have been our first clue.

Today I get this letter from our lawyer, stating that the Department has requested further documentation to establish the fact that we "reside in a genuine and continuing spouse relationship".

In addition to all the Medicare and tax info, we'd also supplied them with the following: bank records from Dec 2003 onwards; invitation to birthday party 29 Dec 2003, including "Steve and Nikki"; invitation to engagement party 23 Feb 2003, to "Steve and Nikki"; Thanksgiving card dated 11 Sept 2003, to "Steve and Nikki"; Christmas card to family, including Nikki and Steve, Christmas 2003; and copies of notes addressed to Nikki and Steve 2003 and 2004 regarding anniversary. What in the hell else can we possibly produce to show that we're living together? Here are a few of the things that the Department suggests:

• Rental agreements and receipts-- we have none.
• Mortgage documents-- ditto.
• Purchase documents of items acquired together (e.g., car, furniture, electrical equipment)-- none.
• All joint and separate bank or credit card statements-- already have done.
• Taxation returns-- already have done.
• Utility accounts-- we have none.
• Birth certificates of any children born in the relationship-- again, none.
• Marriage certificate from Registry of Birth, Deaths and Marriages-- we've submitted at least two of these so far.

Ignoring the fact that we've already given them three of the things they're asking for, what do we have to do, apart from getting pregnant, to prove we're in a relationship?

Look, I completely understand the screening process, and I don't mind showing proof of our relationship. But again and again and again? It'd be funny if it weren't so ridiculous. Or if it were happening to someone else. Jesus, where's Harry Tuttle when you need him?