"Don't make contact with their teeth."

We just watched Children of the Living Dead. I'd been warned about this one: The words "Festival of Crap" were used. Still, I needed to see it.

About five minutes into it, I turned to Nikki and suggested we list every stupid thing that happens in the movie -- and even at the five-minute mark, the list was impressive. We ended up with 55, but that's only because we got tired of writing after a while. I wanted to list them here, but they wouldn't make sense to you, out of context and all, and... honestly, I just can't be bothered. I want to put this one as far behind me as possible.

Besides, Dead Kev over at allthingszombie.com wrote a review, and he nailed it. Here's an excerpt:

"In the diner scene where Mathew is talking to his onscreen love interest Laurie (Jamie McCoy), she pours him a cup of coffee, much like any good waitress would do. She sets up some silverware, and then proceeds to take his cup away and pour a new one for him. Now he’s yet to even take a sip and he’s on his second cup. She then wipes up some spillage (how did it spill? he still hasn’t had a drink yet) and then pours some more coffee. Then if you’re really paying attention on the next cut, you can see her still pouring coffee at the bottom corner of the frame. Then he leaves without paying a bill of any kind, and without ever having any of the multiple cups of coffee he was poured.

That's a microcosm of the whole film."

Nikki asked me to stab her in the face with a spoon to end her torment. But I fell back on the "for better or worse" deal, and we made it through together. But I'll have to wash with steel wool for a month to get the scum from this one off me.

"Always two there are... Master and Apprentice..."

With only 54 days until the release of Episode III, I want to go on record with this: Darth Sidious, the mysterious robed figure from the Prequel Trilogy, is not Chancellor Palpatine.

If I'm wrong about this, I'm going to delete this post in 55 days, but I'm pretty sure I know what Lucas is up to with this guy.

Check it out: Clones, right? Apart from a few references to the legendary Clone Wars, they didn't play a huge part in the Original Trilogy. But the Prequel Trilogy is all about the Clones. And I'm not just talking about the Clone Army in Episodes II and III -- check out Episode I again and look closely at Amidala's handmaidens: They're all played by Natalie Portman. In Episode II, Lucas would have us believe that these "decoys" are just girls who happen to look a lot like her, but it's pretty damned clear that that ain't the way it was headed. This clone technology that Obi-Wan stumbles upon in Episode II is well-known to the people of Theed -- at least in Episode I.

"So what does all this have to do with Sidious and Palpatine?"

Are you thick?

Palpatine is a clone of Sidious.

Follow me: Lucas has this thing about repetition. He's said that he approaches these films -- "for better or for worse" -- like a symphony.

"I have a lot of themes that I keep repeating over and over again through the whole thing. Different notes and different instrumentation, but when you see all six movies together you'll see that there's a lot of recurring notes being played."

Apart from the obligatory "I've got a bad feeling about this" line, things like Obi-Wan "repeating" in Episode II Han Solo's insane flight through an asteroid field from The Empire Strikes Back, or Yoda's "my own council will I keep" line from Empire recurring again in Episode I are are plain silly. Because they're just scenes or lines or characters we've seen before, and the repetition smacks more of a desperate attempt to remind us of the Original Trilogy than it does a symphonic resonance. I mean, what's the point of Anakin having created C-3PO unless the droid eventually has a hands-on role in bringing down Darth Vader? Since he doesn't, the answer is None. So why do it? Oh, right: Desperate attempt. Original Trilogy. Got it.

But looking at it thematically, with the recurrance of the Apprentice Destroying the Master, and it's another thing entirely. It's almost poetic. Only in reverse.

In Empire, Vader asked Luke to help him destroy the Emperor so that they could rule the galaxy as father and son. In Return of the Jedi, when Luke was finally brought before the Emperor, it almost happened. This is going to be the "note" that plays in Episode III: Darth Sidious is going to be revealed as a separate entity from Chancellor Palpatine, and their master/apprentice relationship (another theme in the series) will become clear. Palpatine is going to turn Anakin to the Dark Side, and together they will destroy Darth Sidious -- as Anakin/Vader will later fail to do in Jedi.

At least that's how I'd do it.

Let's wait and see...

At long last...

I haven't posted since Hunter Thompson shot himself.

It has less to do with that event, actually, than the same old "nothing to report" excuse.

In that time, though, I've managed to finish the first draft of a pilot for an animated sit-com -- which I've been working on for nearly two years -- called CruciFiction. It's still rough, and I've already gone back and started touching it up, but the couple people I've sent it to have given me great feedback, so I'm feeling good about it.

Written two DVD reviews in the last couple weeks -- one for Shaun of the Dead, and the other for Road Games. Both were accepted nearly as-written, with very little in the way of revision, which pissed me off just a little. I mean, I don't generally hand in second-drafts, you know? I take such pains when I'm writing to say exactly what I mean to say, and to make sure that my point is crystal clear that my first draft is pretty much the final draft. But after the nightmare I went through with my 28 Days Later review, rewrite after rewrite, taking onboard every suggestion my editor -- who had yet to actually see the movie -- made, I decided to stop putting my heart and soul into these reviews, and just hand in mediocre work.

So I do, and I get nothing in the way of notes.

What the hell is that about?

I'm not complaining; I mean, it's nice to be published at all, but I wish it was work I'm actually proud of, rather than stuff that -- I feel, anyway -- is only half-baked. Have to review Cronenberg's Spider this week. That's not going to be easy because it's such an intricate film. I'll have to put some work into that one and just hope and pray the edits are few.

I've finally started reading John Connolly's book of short stories, "Nocturnes", which was published late last year. Good stuff. Connolly has yet to disappoint me, though. He's fused my two favorite genres, Horror and Noir, so where can you go wrong? Also picked up some Peter Temple books -- an Aussie crime author I just discovered. The more of these guys I read, maybe it'll get me into 'the zone' and I'll be able to finish writing Max Love -- that's the dream, anyway.