Cameron Diaz Sucks on Toast!

Just finished watching The Sweetest Thing. A bad call, I know, and against my better judgment, but it's seldom that a movie is actually as bad as the reviews make it out to be, especially when they're as abyssmal as they were for this one, so I thought I'd roll the dice. Sometimes, though, the Law of Averages is against you, and I'd apparently racked up a rather hefty karmic debt against that Law because it came 'round to collect with a vengeance.

I wanted nothing more than to make a list of ways this movie might have been worse, but I could only come up with one, and that's the inclusion of Adam Sandler (and, by association, Rob Schneider) somewhere in the cast. Apart from the all-too-brief scene with Jason Bateman singing "Eternal Flame" at the wedding reception, and an appearance or two by Georgia Engle, this movie has nothing to offer. It's as though the filmmakers actually set out to make the worst movie they possibly could. If so, they hit the mark. Also, Cameron Diaz just plain sucks. Thank you.

I'm not going to sit here and bash the movie -- it's had enough of that from better than the likes of me -- and I'm not going to dwell on the baffling cameo by James Mangold. But I do want to point out two things: 1) Selma Blair -- and this almost goes without saying -- delivers another in a seemingly endless parade of embarrassing, cringe-inducing performances. I used to try and defend her, but I've accepted that I'm fighting an uphill battle, and Ms. Blair herself isn't helping by taking roles such as this one and the one in the new John Waters flick. She needs to knock it off or be humanely put down. And 2) I've found that I'd rather watch a Farrelly Brothers movie than one of these wannabe knock-offs. And I fuckin' hate the Farrelly Brothers, okay? Hate 'em. I'd rather do a Kingpin/Shallow Hall/Stuck On You marathon than have to sit through this crap again.

But guess what?

Intrigued by my ranting and railing against it, Nikki has decided that she has got to see this movie, just to see for herself how bad it really is.

Apparently I still owe a little on that karmic debt.